All my emotions to me are felt in kind of general hues. Like, I’ll feel a hint of anger or a hint of annoyance, even when it would make sense that I feel those emotions. It’s very rare that I can actually pinpoint the emotion that I’m feeling, or when I feel completely immersed in an emotion. Whenever I do, which happens seldom, when I feel really angry or something, it’s so refreshing that I try to hold onto that feeling. Just so that I know that I am actually capable of feeling total emotions. My emotional rainbow is a drab casting of greys.　

Sometimes I like to think that there is someone that can read my mind. That knows my every thought and feeling, and that knows me exactly as I am inside. It’s comforting to think that for some reason. I guess it makes me feel less alone.

I had such a terrifying dream the other night. 

I was in the process of commiting suicide, I had secured weights to my wrists and legs somehow and was sinking into a vast body of water. I just remember the dream starting as I was already underwater. As I began to descend, I felt the most relaxed I have ever felt in my life (reality or dream-world). The water was bath temperature and it seemed to hug me close as I sunk into its depths. Perhaps like a mother would after a child came home from a tough day at school. But my mother is the sea and my tough day is my dirty self-hatred. I was finally being washed clean. I swayed slightly with the current and the light danced through the water, bouncing above me but not close to me. I was too deep for the rays to be near. The water was kind of cloudy, and the whole thing, it just felt so right. Like I was finally letting go of myself and was just at peace. 

But then, it started getting fucked up. As I was getting progressively deeper, there was this tiny niggling in the back of my mind. A little poke. A hint of a feeling. A general hue, it was bluish. Soon a voice was whispering in my mind, saying “Hey…Hey…no…wait, wait…wait…WAIT! WAIT NO NON NO NON ONONONONO NON ON ON ON ONO NONONONONONONONONONONO I DON’T WANT THIS GET ME BACK UP THERE I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE I DIDN’T REALLY WANT THIS I’VE CHANGED MY MIND I DON’T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME JUST GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND GET THESE FUCKING WEIGHTS OFF ME S;KFHDAJGFHDJKAHDFKJS;AJHKD;SAJK;LDA”

And I was thrashing around, but of course since I had tied my limbs and had no way of escape, it was futile and the sea paid no mind. She kept pulling me into her icy embrace. Sinking me.

I WISH I WASN’T SUCH A FUCKING SHIT.